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mY_liFe_iS_On_hoLd
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Name: Anthea
Country: United States
State: California
Gender: Female
Interests: sports, internet, more internet, and internet, oh right and music....
Expertise: burning down my backyard..hhehehe
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  fudginfudger110
Member Since:
1/17/2005
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| life is so
depressing
Can't seem to find the right person to spill my heart out
just mind as well deal with it
right?
What are the principles to happiness and fun?
Why is there always
one person who lives in the realms of darkness while everyone shines their glory
upon him or her, making him or her feel worthless and
wretched...
It is said that crying is an effective medication for unhappiness, maybe i should try letting my problems flow out as tears instead of hiding them under my cardiac muscles and have them tighten every time i see a shining smile.
Consider this my prescription.
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| Today, i the entire saturday with my mom. After eating lunch with my mom, i realized how great a she's been. We were talking about how life is so depressing and then she began talking about our family-aunts, uncle, grandma, the whole family tree. It turns out that what i thought of my whole family as a big happy united family isn't actually what it seems (great, the only thing that i thought would bring my mind away from life turns out to be another flaw of my life- just great) Evidently everyone is against one of the members of our family. I always thought it was jsut because of how she acts, but today i found out about all the stuff she did to my family and my other relatives. From trying to kick out my grandma to talking behind my mom's back, everyone including my cousins are hostile to her (how sad is that?) No one wants to complain because after all she is my mom's older brother's husband- we must "respect" her and at the same time respect our uncle. My uncle is alright, but none of us really understands why he decided to marry that woman.
Kicking out my grandma is already wrong, but talking shit behind my mom's back is even worse. My mom has gone through enough in her life. My sister's traumatic incident is already haunting her day to day as she worries if anything would happen again either to my sister or even to me. To have my mom undergo such bullshit is crap. I did't know about thins until today. My mom explained the incident and as she stuttered, i could see it was hard. Every sentence was interrupted by a great sigh or a fake cough, just watching her made me feel like crying.
The whole conversation started where i was talking about psychology and different psychological disorders and the fact that i have depression.My mom was comforting me by telling my that everyone gets depressed in their lives and its just a moment of time and interaction that would soothe everything out. (yea, great comfort -but that's not the point) i guess today's rainy weather was fate-today's incident was bound to happen. Like how i feel during all the other rainy days, i feel like shit- so shitty that i'm not going to even bother to reread what i wrote so go ahead and make fun of my grammar and spelling, i'm sure it wouldn't make me feel any different than how i'm feeling now...
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| It is almost 2007 and my life has officially turned against me.
2006 could be defined as a great year where many of my friends and relatives made their lasting bonds with each other. At the same time, it is the time of my year where i actually begin to realize the obstacles of life. Ever since my last entry, i had no real feelings about how my life is really like. Over the past 6 months, many things have happened, another death has occurred in the family and a relative has unfortunately been diagnosed with breast cancer. Life as a junior at school has been a torment, not only mentally but also physically. I find myself digging a hole that is becoming deeper and deeper. I am becoming trapped in my procrastination and has become careless of my grades. NOt long ago, my average grade was a B. I never wanted anything less than a B; however, ever since high school and especially this year, my confidence has drowned into deep seas and is struggling to come out of its powerful tsunami. Why not tell someone? why not talk to your parents/friends? i would if i didn't feel so useless.
There are still so many questions of life that i'm not even ready to answer: What should i do when i grow up? Would you ever get into a good college? are you ever going to past history? how could you make your parents truly happy? How are you going to stop being so self-centered and start considering how the people around you think?
I know i'm not perfect, but i am trying...i can only smile each day, convince the people around me that i am fine, and hope that nothing even worse happens.
So yes, my life has officially turned against me, thank you.
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| Yesterday after elite i arrived home and did what i usually did;i ate something went on my computer, watched soap operas....It was three something and my mom just got off work. She came walking up the steps as i walked out of my room to throw my apple away as i finish the last few bites of it. She enters the door and gives a big sigh, and says "grandma passed away last night." My teeth stopped chopping on my apple for a few seconds as i absorbed what she just said . My grandmother, the one in HK, has just passed away...i had a little melancholy feeling but it was over really quickly. I would say that it didn't really affect me...because my grandma and i hardly saw each other so we aren't that close, but i definitely loved her and i'm sure i'll miss her.
~R.I.P Grandma ~
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| i've always thought even years would be good, but i guess i was wrong.
This year is 2006, thinking that things would be good this year i was wrong. Although i haveto agree i do like my class schedule this year. It was way better than last year. All the easy classes are at the end and the harder ones are earlier. I can get the harder things over with and not worry about them.
This is just school too- i'd say i've experienced a lot of Firsts this year: first admirer(s), first conversation with another girl and having her mistaken me as a lesbo, yea...a lot of firsts.... .
Now my personal life, how has my personal life been this year? well for one thing, I HATE CHEM.!! english-fine, math-fine, world arts-ehh..ok, French-no sweat, orchestra-getting through...
Life at home has kinda changed. Ever since the trip to HK, my sister's seizures have increased. Every other night she'd have one-one that you can hear from the other room and would wake you because of her sudden soft shriek and movement in the bed. We've gone to check, they've replaced her dilantins with some other thing that evidently isn't quite showing its affect on her. Instead it has made her eat like twice as much meds as before. Before, she only had like three. Then later it became five and now, its like Ten and THAT's not even helping. The doctor said they'll have her stay on the meds for a little longer and if there's no change then they she'd have to get surgery. They think it might be because of her earlier surgery causing the increase of her seizures. Ever since her last surgery, it has left a thick scar in her head and the scar intercepts the wave signals that move around the brain. As it tries to move around it gets cut off by the thick scar and triggers the seizures. That's there theory, but iono...
Grandma in HK, had been having knee problems. A few months ago she was selected to do knee surgery. We were all happy to hear about the surgery because ever since grandpa died, she's been very down and her health has been declining. She blames herself for being stupid and blames herself for being clumsy. The oppurtunity of getting a knee surgery done on her could've flipped her life back to the way it was. Unfortunately when they were doing a body check to see if she's ready for the surgery they found a tumor. They aren't exactly sure yet if its cancer or not, but for sure they found of shadow. Because her body is already so weak it is not recommended that she removes the tumor or continue the knee surgery. So all we can do is now wait. My parents are afraid to tell her, and i'm afraid of thinking about it. What if something happens? What will become of me?? ...life....i'm starting to really detest life...to the extreme...
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